Psychology Today Blogs - Michael J. Formica

Authenticity and Self-perception

Michael J. Formica — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 07:01:18 -0700

To some degree, we are a reflection of that which is around us. We tend to develop belief systems about ourselves based upon instructions we are given and expectations that we encounter. When we buy into these belief systems, we are allowing someone else to rent space in our head.

One of the Big Questions that we should ask ourselves is "Who am I?" We can get all metaphysical and say we are a karmic manifestation of the Universal Mind, or we can be more concrete and define ourselves by our roles in society or what we do for a living or any number of other legitimate constructs. What is most important in this is establishing a sense of our own perspective, because that perspective is what gives us an authentic sense of ourselves.

When we fall into the trap of looking out, instead of looking in, we become a product of our environment, rather than an independent, self-created being. In responding to our physical and social surroundings -- rather than integrating a concrete sense of our self into those surroundings -- we can easily get lost.

If we live off the perceptions and expectation of others and let those others script our lives we become disconnected from who we really are and connected only to whom we believe we should be based on the script from which we are reading. So, then, if we take this model and apply it to our own lives, we can ask ourselves the question, "Whose life am I living?"

When I was 18 years old, I was sitting at a stop light with my Dad. He turned to me and he said, "So, what's it going to be...college or conservatory?" I knew what the right answer was...and I also knew what the correct answer was. I gave him the correct answer - "College". And for the next 10 years I struggled and juggled my music with my studies. The consequences of this struggle have ranged from nominal to disastrous - but there were consequences...consistently.

I was living his life -- or the life he had scripted for me - rather than the one I wanted to live because that life would have been unacceptable or made me unacceptable to him. What that choice got me was a lot of aggravation, conflict, and frustration, despite my academic successes. And, when my father died, in a grand gesture of unconscious defiance and passive aggression, I used a fair portion of the money I had inherited - money better spent on schooling, books and rent - on a piano! We are nothing, if not consistent.

So, take a look at your own life and see how much of it you have scripted and how much of it you have allowed to be scripted for you. Mind you, letting go of the scripts of others is not a license to be or become selfish, but it is an opportunity to become more self-aware, and authentic in the process.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Living in Fear versus Living in Joy

Michael J. Formica — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 05:19:40 -0700

A friend of mine is something of a compassionate Zen Master disguised as a 2nd grade school teacher. In the same moment that she is holding space for your human frailties, she is slapping you around and yelling, "Get over it." The other day, she taught me something - nothing can hurt you.

We live in two minds - fear and joy. Mostly, we live in fear. That fear is manifested as our everyday anxieties where we find ourselves living in the regret of the past, or grasping at the future.

Joy is manifested in presence -- that point at which we shed the past, let go of the future and are just there, where we are, in that moment.

If, in that moment, you are safe physically and socially, everything else you are feeling is just a trap of mind and the emotions. You are creating your pain, your anxiety, your dis-ease and discomfort because you are going out, instead of staying in. What I mean by that is you are going outside of yourself - projecting -- instead of staying with yourself.

What are doing in this moment? Are you listening? -- do you hear the crickets and the tree frogs, or maybe the early morning traffic noises? Dogs barking? Is your coffee too hot? What are you doing with your hands? your feet? Are you thinking about getting into the shower, or walking the dog as you read these words, or are you fully paying attention? Are sitting up straight?

If you are paying attention to all of this, then you are here, now - not someplace that could potentially hurt you or cause you pain, not in a place that you likely can't even control. So, why go there? Why not stay here where you are safe instead of playing out a fantasy of potentials in your head?

This sounds very black and white, but the honest truth is, we don't project our potential happiness, only our potential unhappiness. We worry about what lies ahead and focus on the ugly - we don't rejoice in the future and focus on the bliss. Instead, we are so often anxious about our anxiety and stressed about our stress. Why this is, I don't know, but it is certainly the nature of the human condition.

So, we get back to control. Our fear, our anxiety, is about a sense that we lack control or we have lost or will lose control. Guess what? You can't control anything. We'd like to think we can, but we can't. We can only do what we are doing in the moment. And joy comes from squeezing that moment for all it's worth.

If you are safe in the moment, then you are safe - nothing can hurt you -- unless you allow it, whatever the It is for you, to seep into your mind and poison the joy of every breath with which you are blessed.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Beginner's Mind

Michael J. Formica — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 06:22:00 -0700

There is a Zen parable about a young traveler who comes across a mountain hermit. As they talk, the young man begins to understand that he is talking to a realized master and starts telling him about his own studies - his mastery of Zen, his understanding of the scriptures, his martial arts and all his worldly knowledge.

As the young man is speaking, the old hermit hands him a cup in which he is going to pour tea. The young man continues speaking and the old man pours him his tea, but does not stop when the cup is full. Instead he gazes steadily at the young man and lets the tea spill over everywhere.

The young man pulls the cup away and yells, "What are you doing?" The old man smiles and says, "Zen this, martial arts that, travel here, travel there... You're cup is full! Empty your cup!"

The young man looks down at the cup in his hand and casts its contents down on the forest floor. The old man continues to gaze steadily at him and says, "Hopeless!"

Our cups are full. We are such dense repositories of knowledge and knowing that we have lost our capacity to see with a child's eyes, to start at the beginning. The Information Age has created an information addiction and Google has made us Stoopid.

And without the child's capacity to see with fresh eyes the world around us, we have also lost the capacity to feel the world around us, to engage in our lives in a way that is creative, productive and full of grace.

The beginner's mind is empty. What makes a cup useful is not the cup, but the space inside the cup. If your cup is always full, how is it then useful? It's not. It is, in point of fact, useless.

Our minds are the same way. To truly free the mind, and realize its/our full potential we must be open to all possibilities, rather than be trapped by the shackles of our own rationality and patterns of behavior. The rational mind is a prison, while the flexible mind, the adaptable mind is a universe of possibilities. We shouldn't be thinking outside the box; we should be flipping the box over.

How do we do this? Well, we go back to one of the ideas that we were discussing some weeks ago - core beliefs. If we can recognize a core belief and make a conscious decision to set that belief aside, we can then say, "So - what else?"

An example - I believe that I am unlovable. I have experienced a number of social, emotional and psychosocial instances where the validating support system that surrounds me has been taken away and I have been led to believe that it was because of something I did or didn't do or some lack in me as a person. I find myself, again and again, socially isolated, demeaned and with no system of intrinsic or extrinsic validation.

Two things are going to happen here. First, my self-worth is going to plummet, if it even develops at all. Secondly, I am going to seek out social relationships that validate and support the core belief that I have developed that I am not lovable, that I will be abandoned, that I am not worthy or deserving. In this, my life is going to be a repeated series of events and relationships that allow me to be right about my core belief. What to do?

If we just set aside the core belief, we will free fall because one of the primary elements of our identity will be lost. Not good. But if we gather evidence to countermand the core belief and figure out a way that we can buy into that evidence (that's the hard part), we can transform our whole belief system, changing our idea of ourselves and our place in the world.

How do you gather evidence? Well, first one identifies a point of psychic tension. Say, you anger easily, or you're always late, or you shut down when someone yells, or you can't confront your superiors, or you get taken advantage of consistently...whatever.

Then you figure out what core belief causes that particular behavior or situation to manifest. To whit, and referencing the above - you need to impose yourself through aggression, you need to assert evidence of your control, you're afraid of retribution, you don't want to get in trouble, you're an enabler, etc.

Then you sit down and figure out how you could change that manifestation - let go of your fear, embrace impermanence, make yourself heard because you deserve it, ask for what you need, be responsible to yourself first -- and then gather evidence to support the counterpoint.

If we go back to our primary example, I experience the feeling of, and sometimes the actual event of, rejection in relationships. The core belief that supports that is that I am unlovable. The active belief that supports that core belief is that I have no value to those around me and the destructive loop in that is that I don't deserve to be loved.

Having identified the primary elements of the core and active belief system, my task now is to gather evidence to the contrary - to establish concrete and demonstrable facts that say "You're OK." After that comes the work of owning that evidence and integrating it into our self-perception...the work.

Empty your cup...you might find it useful, and I'm not just talking about the cup.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Hiatus

Michael J. Formica — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 08:50:21 -0700

I will be taking a hiatus from my contributions here at Psychology Today for a short time.

I am grateful to my regular readers, and those who may have found some solace or perspective in these articles.

If anyone would like to contact me directly during this period, feel free to do so here.

Blessings to all,

Michael

Emotional Infidelity

Michael J. Formica — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 04:41:27 -0700

Aaron Ben-Zeév's recent article entitled Is Chatting Cheating? prompted me to do some thinking about emotional infidelity. Although not a new phenomenon, emotional infidelity is a notion that, in recent years, has come to some prominence at least as language, due mainly to the inescapable juggernaut of media convergence. It is also, to some degree, a reflection on the generalized loosening of social mores that once would have kept button-down dads buttoned up and soccer moms carpooling, instead of "Seeking Friends" at Match.com or blogging on Facebook.

Sexual infidelity is pretty clear cut; someone steps outside the bounds of a relationship and engages in some form of sexual contact with another person. Although the implications and consequences are similar, emotional infidelity as a construct is a bit more murky, as it does not simply apply to sexual or romantic interpersonal relationships.

The notion of emotional infidelity can also apply to platonic same- or trans-gender relationships, as well as activities, work, exs, siblings, extended family, hobbies and even kids. Many women in the part of the country where I live and work ruefully refer to themselves as Wall Street Widows - non-interpersonal emotional infidelity in full flower.

Emotional infidelity is any situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability on the part of one partner that interferes with one particular aspect of the relationship, along with the quality of the relationship as a whole.

Obviously, and speaking to the thesis of Aaron's article, the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person, and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance. Stated plainly, it's a crush that's reciprocated, but not demonstrably acted upon.

Two things are true here. One is that the nature of communication and the ability to communicate with just about anyone anywhere has greatly increased opportunity. Human nature is such that if the opportunity for a behavior is increased, and the drive to engage in that behavior is for whatever reason unchecked, that opportunity will in all probability be exploited. Infidelity, whether extra-relational (see I Wasn't Looking for an Affair; It Just Happened), or emotional, is usually a matter of opportunity.

The second truth is something of a twist on the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" line; the constancy of current communication actually intensifies this type of relationship and promotes its distortion. Whereas the absence of a lover increases desire, the constancy of a lover-at-a-distance can turn that person into a drug.

So, we have means and opportunity; what's the motive? Aside from the obvious motivations that one may harbor for stepping outside of his/her primary relationship, the two that seem to avail themselves most prominently to situations of emotional infidelity are fear and safety; fear of not wanting to get caught "doing anything" couched in the perceived safety of ostensibly not doing anything.

Taken from the perspective of risk management, emotional infidelity makes perfect sense. On the one hand you're not going to get caught with the babysitter, your secretary or the contractor. And on the other, are you really ever going to actually hook up with your cyber-soulmate from Boston when you have a spouse, kids and a job in Cincinnati? Not likely - so, there's a built in stop gap.

Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need or the desire to absent oneself from one's primary relationship, without actually leaving that relationship. Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines emotional infidelity as if not exactly the same at least the social equivalent of sexual infidelity.

Whether you are physical engaged with another person or not, when you absent yourself from your primary relationship you are taking your attention away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. It comes back to emotional availability. A great cinematic depiction of this is an interchange between Hilary Swank's character and that of her husband in Freedom Writers. He's not getting his needs met because she's focused on her students, so he ends up leaving.

What really complicates matters is that for the "cheating" partner, there is no real sense that s/he has transgressed because s/he isn't "doing anything" that can be demonstrated as "cheating", i.e. sex. Non-interpersonal "cheating" behavior is rationalized away as a necessity - long hours, relaxation, working out, etc. In the case of interpersonal emotional infidelity, the same sensibility holds true.

While there may indeed be a trail of emails or text messages to mark as a smoking gun, in the mind of the "cheater" s/he isn't really "doing anything". That leaves the other partner in the curious position of experiencing all of the hurt, anger and sense of rejection associated with an affair, while the "cheater" shrugs it off and "doesn't get it."

We are trained from a very young age that behavior begets consequences. Most of us understand that, but if you are doing something that is not really "doing anything", then why should there be consequences?

Somewhere along the line, the moral gravity associated with this sort of social transgression became transformed into the moral relativism that allows us to take office supplies from work. Who's it really going to hurt? - well, no one, but it's still stealing.

Here's the rub - in the case of emotional infidelity, you're stealing from yourself.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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The Art and Skill of Tying Off a Clinical Session

Michael J. Formica — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:53:40 -0700

Ryan Howes' recent post on what he referred to as the Last Minute Bomb prompted me to think about two things; my own "door knob moments" with patients, and the client's experience of leaving a session. While door knob moments can rattle even the most seasoned professional, a much more weighty consideration is that all too often therapists skilled in the art of opening a door lack the skill to close it. This leaves clients raw, hanging psychologically and at the sufferance of a world insensitive to their state of mind.

From a therapist's perspective, door knob moments can be enlightening, infuriating and often roundly amusing. These moments are enlightening because they can point to the level of exposure that a client is willing to both proffer and endure. They are infuriating because they can throw a treatment plan, whether casual or formal, into a completely cock-eyed hat. And they are amusing because they often point out fairly directly that, as therapists, we are not prescient, nor uber-perceptive, nor somehow "greater than"...but honestly just dumb old homo-sapiens who can be conned or duped like the next guy.

Personally, my favorite door knob moment was with a delightfully sincere and devout Roman Catholic woman in treatment with me for 3 plus years who, on a wintery Saturday morning as she sashayed demurely out of my office said, "Did I mention that I used to be a stripper and a prostitute and that the guy who runs my AA meeting was my pimp? - we should probably talk about that...". Sheesh - talk about re-orientating!

For the therapist, this kind of situation is about adaptation, flexibility and egolessness. It takes a certain degree of emotional and professional maturity to say to oneself, "Oops." or "Interesting." or even "Nope. Missed that..." instead of "I can't freaking believe this!...whom does s/he think s/he is, pulling this crap with me...!" - blah, blah, blah...

The reason that these qualities are so important is that if the therapist gets caught up in the tide of his/her own (ego-driven) reaction, s/he will not be able to respond in a way that simultaneously validates the moment, brings closure to the session despite that moment, and ensures the safety of the client.

The more subtle version of this validation-closure-safety dynamic is the ability to close a session in a way that leaves the client with a sense of being grounded. What brought this to mind in light of Ryan's post was the comment yesterday by one of my clients that, no matter how upsetting our sessions may at times be for her, she always leaves "feeling great".

From a purely narcissistic standpoint, a comment like that should make me feel great, but it has much more gravity than that. It is a marker for the quality of the client's experience in terms of the therapist's ability to leave her with a sense of containment and groundedness that she can take back into the world.

Twenty-five years of social service has often led me - intentionally or unintentionally - to be cast in the role of a supervisor and teacher of others in the field. One of the primary requisites I impress upon my charges has always been exactly this -- developing the ability to close a session in a way that grounds the client. Too often I have witnessed this inability result in disastrous consequences.

Early on, while working as a teacher and advisor in a small private college, one of my colleagues ended a session with a young man who left campus and promptly, and intentionally, drove his car into a tree at 90 mph. The boy survived. My colleague did not - she resigned the next day and at last report was a sheriff in Texas. I was left with a lifelong lesson that you can't leave them hanging just because the hour is up.

A considerably less dramatic, but nonetheless telling, instance came to my attention the other day. I was told about a woman regarded as driven and planful who began seeing a counselor. Within months this financially independent full-time executive assistant/full-time student who was determined to complete her MBA became a hard drinking, Oxycontin-snorting, highly promiscuous party girl who quit school, quit her job, lost her house and is now living with her boyfriend of less than four months, by whom she is intentionally pregnant, in his mother's house. You can't make this stuff up.

Empirically, one obviously can't draw a straight line from this woman entering counseling to the dramatic change in both her behavior and her choices. Clearly, there's more to it. But, in the interest of objective, critical thinking, one must ask, "What changed?"; well, she entered counseling.

What this situation points to is that this young woman had some issues restive beneath the surface and, in addressing them, they were exposed. No worries - that's what's supposed to happen.

The radical change points to the possibility, if not the probability, that, once exposed, those same issues were not covered over to make them manageable outside the sacred space of the consulting room.

This woman's counseling experience at the very least contributed to her transformation into the walking wounded and these changes in choice and behavior - blunting, distracting and anesthetizing as they were - presented themselves as the only coping mechanisms she could muster.

In deference to Ryan's positioning of his blog section, In Therapy, as something of a Consumer's Guide, what's important to recognize here is that counseling brings things out and things brought out must be put back, otherwise they have a very good chance of showing up sideways.

It is indeed the therapist's responsibility to hold space for the client's sense of place and groundedness, ensuring their safety at the end of a session. It is also the client's responsibility to ensure that the therapist is proactive in this and that, while they may leave a session feeling a little loose, they aren't likely to start unraveling.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Core Truths, Core Beliefs and Obstacles to Progress, Pt. 2

Michael J. Formica — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:51:47 -0700

Each of us maintains a collection of Core Truths about our lives. Our Core Truths are repeating pattern of thought and behavior defined by our various assumptions and expectations, as well as our ideas about the way the world works, collected over time. The Eastern wisdom traditions refer to these as samskaras - attachments that generate repeated patterns of behavior and habits of the mind, which influence karma. [1] [2]

The psychosocial implication of this notion of samskaras, karma and their relationship is that by virtue of attachment to our assumptions, expectations and ideas we both attract and are attracted to consistent experiences that validate these filters, thus creating a meta-template for our existence.

As we filter our experience through these assumptions, expectations and ideas, we create belief systems - our Core Beliefs. Core Beliefs lead us to develop Active Beliefs - how we operate in the world - that consequently drive the Outcomes that recursively support and sustain our Core Truths.

The whole system is a giant double feedback loop, each element both compassing and contained within the other. This recursive compassing and containment is referred to as a holon in the language of Ken Wilber's Integral Theory, Integral Psychology and the psychology of spiral dynamics.

A practical example of this idea might be how you interpret and integrate an experience like the early death of a parent. This event might generate an Active Belief that "People whom you love leave." With this Active Belief in place, we may develop a tendency to become involved in situations where significant others are physically or emotionally unavailable, or we may consistently operate with a sensibility of impending abandonment, which then influences how we approach our significant relationships.

Our Active Belief both generates an Outcome and supports the concretizing of our Core Belief -- "I will be abandoned, if I love or care about someone or something." The Core Belief solidifies, becoming a habit of the mind (samskara) that drives action (karma), and the Outcome we both create and experience validates our Core Truth - "I am unlovable and will be left behind because of it".

Although here we are primarily considering obstacles, Core Truths need not necessarily be negative, nor need they be positive --- they are simply constants. Understanding these constants, as internalized in thought and expressed in behavior, can help us to understand how we set ourselves up for particular experiences, and why those experiences seem to repeat themselves. It is one's perspective that influences whether a Core Truth is interpreted as positive or negative; the same Core Truth can have both adaptive and maladaptive qualities, depending on context and integration.

A simple example of a Core Belief that engenders this dual interpretation might be, "If you cross against the light, you will put yourself in danger". This belief system supports the Core Truth - "Always wait for the light", which prompts the Active Belief system in most of us to wait at the corner, or at least hesitate before crossing the street.

From an adaptive perspective, this Core Truth has the potential to create an internal environment and external context of safety and security. From a maladaptive perspective, it has the potential to create an internal environment and external context of hypervigilance and anxiety.

Our investment in these belief systems - both unconscious (Core, or samskaric) and conscious (Active, or karmic) -- inform the way that we respond to and internalize our experience. The experiences that we create for ourselves based on those responses inform the Core Truths that we uphold as defining our lives and ourselves.

Let's say that you maintain a Core Belief that you are irresponsible with money. For the moment, let's not worry about how you developed that belief. If you maintain that belief, two things will likely occur; first, you will likely behave in ways that consistently support that belief, and secondly you are likely to consistently create situations that reinforce the Core Truth that this particular Core Belief informs.

So here's the whole system - Core Truth: your finances are a mess. Core Belief: you are irresponsible with money. Active Belief: your finances never seem to work out. Behavior: ignoring your finances and your financial responsibility. Outcome: your finances are a mess.

Let's try another one -- Core Truth: your relationships are always chaotic. Core Belief: you do not deserve to be loved and valued in a meaningful way. Active Belief: you never seem to find the right partner. Behavior: you take what you can get. Outcome: you're relationships are always chaotic.

Let's try one more - Core Truth: you and your mother don't get along, and argue consistently. Core Belief: you are never good enough. Active Belief: no matter what you do you can't seem to please your mother. Behavior: you are resentful, passive-aggressive uninvested in your actions and self-sabotage. Outcome: you and your mother don't get along, and argue consistently.

When it's laid out like this, it becomes clear how we might both feed and be fed by these systems of "truth", belief, action and outcome. Can you, the reader, discern the common denominator in each of these examples? - it's you, or, more properly, your ego.

In a previous post, we discussed the secret of life - ‘it's not all about you.' How that applies here is that our Core Beliefs, and by the bridge of experience our Core Truths, are self-directed: ‘I am lousy with money.', ‘I am unlovable', and ‘I am not good enough.' If we ferret out the source of our Core Beliefs, we can begin to change our Active Beliefs, in turn changing our Outcomes and re-informing our Core Truths -- taking our ego out of the game.

In order to find the source of our Core Belief, we need to uncover the Original Wound. Rather than spin some fanciful conjecture that applies to our examples above, let's consider a concrete and demonstrable example that we have discussed previously - my personal math wound.

My Original Wound was Mrs. Haggat standing in front of my 5th grade class, waiving that long division quiz with the big red ‘F' at the top telling me that I would never understand higher mathematics. Right there, she invested me with a Core Belief - ‘I can't do math'. From that point on, I operated with the Active Belief that, whenever I did math, I would get it wrong.

The ‘ego piece' that I missed - forgive me, I was 10 - was not that I was somehow wrong, damaged or broken, but that Mrs. Haggat, in her need to publically display my shortcomings, had her own agenda. Did she feel a need to humiliate a child to feel superior? Did I threaten her? Did she just get a reprimand from Principal Hayes and need to take it out on someone? Was she anxious because she and my mother were colleagues and she thought my poor performance would be a reflection on her teaching skills? In any event, it (the Wounding) wasn't about me - it was about her.

Nonetheless, starting from this negative premise about my math abilities, I enjoyed consistently negative Outcomes, which not only reinforced my Core Belief, but those of my parents - both teachers - who invested countless hours and dollars in coaching, tutoring, hiring tutors, etc. as they operated from their own Core Belief that I didn't get math.

Even a 700-something-or-other on my SATs (it had to be the tutoring), a Masters degree in Quantitative Analysis, a 2-year research position with the National Science Foundation in conjunction with the Smithsonian, countless hours spent coaching doctoral candidates on the stats for their oral exams and teaching positions at Columbia University and a number of other top tier schools could not and would not shake my conviction that I was bad at math.

It was not until I said, "This is dumb." and began to dissect the genesis of my Core Belief -- prompting me to make a conscious effort to change my Active Belief - that I could finally figure out the tip because I had re-informed my Core Truth.

These Core Truths are the pillars of our lives. If you see a consistent pattern - positive, negative or neutral - and are interested in finding from whence it comes, start with defining your Core Truths. Uncover what Core Beliefs those Core Truths engender, what Active Beliefs they prompt and what Outcomes you gather.

Whether it is an exercise in re-invention, or just a bit of amusing introspection, you might surprise yourself.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Looking Beyond Our Problems and Looking Toward Our Solutions, Pt. 1

Michael J. Formica — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 05:54:06 -0700

Hold your hand in front of your face with your thumb folded. How many fingers do you see? Four, right? Maybe...maybe not.

One of the mantras that we've often been hearing of late is "be part of the solution, not part of the problem." In business it is widely held that one should never walk into one's supervisor's office with a problem, but with a problem and a solution - even if it's not the right one. How do we do that?

We often find ourselves stuck because we get hung up on the problem that we are confronting - hung up on what's in front of us. This limits our vision, limits our creativity and limits our possibilities. It limits us - more to the point, we limit us. If we can set aside our anxieties, we can see more clearly and thus broaden the possibilities of our response.

First, we need to discover what is keeping us stuck. Often, it is a habit of the mind. If we believe something to be true, we tend to behave in a way that confirms that truth, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Think of something that is a negative constant in your life. Maybe you are always late, even when you try to be on time. Maybe you struggle with finances, even though you make plenty of money. Maybe you consistently choose a particular sort of relationship, or behave badly given certain circumstances.

Take that circumstance and write it down. Simplify the idea of that circumstance - put it into simple language in a sentence that is short enough to fit on a bumper sticker.

Now, do the same thing with a positive constant in your life. Maybe you are exceedingly punctual. Maybe you are a wizard with a dollar, and have more than enough even though you make minimum wage. Maybe you have been blissfully married for 30 years. Do the same exercise.

You have now identified two Core Truths - one positive, one not so positive. Think about and try to identify where those truths come from. Maybe you are always late because your father was always ahead of schedule and constantly criticized you to, "Get a move on." and you accepted the instruction that you were a slow poke. Maybe you're great with managing money because you grew up poor and vowed to yourself you'd never go without, or you were once humiliated because you came up short.

You have now identified two Core Beliefs. And it is those beliefs - good, bad or indifferent - that drive our choices and interfere with, or promote, our decision making. They are the lens through which we see a problem or with which we see past a problem.

Identifying those truths, suspending or even changing those beliefs are what allow us to free ourselves from our self-imposed bondage and the tyranny of our own fears.

So, hold your hand up in front of you face with your thumb folded. How many fingers do you see? Don't look at the hand (the problem)...look past it.

How many fingers do you see? If you said eight, your vision is clearing.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Self-awareness, Empathy and Evolution

Michael J. Formica — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:30:03 -0700

Self-awareness in humans is an important developmental milestone. It is the point at which an individual, usually at about age 2, develops the ability to identify him/herself objectively. Studies have shown that certain other mammals - chimpanzees, gorillas, bottle-nosed dolphins, and elephants - also have the capacity for self-awareness.

A study recently published by Helmut Prior and his associates of the Institute of Psychology at Goethe University in Frankfurt has demonstrated that magpies also demonstrate this capacity. This has important implications for evolutionary theory, as mammalian and avian brains are completely different and have developed along different evolutionary lines; it would appear that the capacity for self-awareness has developed twice.

Prior and his colleagues placed a colored dot on the neck of magpies, which they could only see if they looked in a mirror. The premise was that, if the magpies could identify the reflection in the mirror as themselves, they would be inclined to pick at the dot, which they did consistently.

The control for the experiment was a black dot, the color of the birds feathers, placed in the same spot. The birds did not pick at this dot, suggesting that the dot itself was not disturbing to them, but rather that it was the presence of something recognizably foreign promoting the picking behavior.

Self-awareness is an essential component in the development of empathy. It lies at the core of ego-centric awareness, which is the first step in the development of social intelligence. The quality of self-awareness promotes (although it does not always guarantee) the development of ‘other' awareness, which is the "I-Thou" of ethnocentricity.

Prior's work suggests two things. First, the characteristic of self-awareness is not confined to mammals, and secondly, that this characteristic is an evolutionary imperative shared by higher functioning sentient creatures of all genus. Note that magpies, along with crows and ravens, have a considerably larger brains and are demonstrably more intelligent than other avians.

Here's an interesting caveat; if self-awareness, and empathy by association, are evolutionary imperatives shared by higher functioning species, why is it that human beings can exercise a lack of empathy? It is because we choose to do so.

Chimpanzees, gorillas, bottle-nosed dolphins and elephants all demonstrate unbidden and unconditional empathy toward their brethren whenever the situation calls for it. Yes, chimpanzees will hunt (with spears, no less), kill and eat bush babies (another type of monkey), but it is unlikely that we will ever witness the primate equivalent of Darfur, Rwanda or even apartheid.

It would appear, once again, that the very thing that makes us human - free will -- continues to be our greatest obstacle and challenge, even in the face of a force as relentless as evolution.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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Pornography, Emotional Availability and Female Objectification

Michael J. Formica — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 05:41:40 -0700

It is no secret that men have a lesser degree of access to their emotions and feelings than do women. There are all sorts of reasons for this, and the topic, in and of itself, could fill pages. Suffice it to say, that where women are more likely to express emotions and feelings directly, men are more likely to express emotions and feelings more indirectly, if at all.

That indirect expression of emotion is usually seen in behaviors, rather than words. And it does not take an expert in human behavior to anticipate that those behaviors will likely be less than desirable. The upsurge in convergent media, and coincident availability of pornography, has created a curious phenomenon with regard to this indirect expression of emotion in men -- pornography addiction.

As we have said previously, addiction is a compulsion that has transformed itself from a drive to a need, whether that need is real or perceived. The concrete behavior associated with an addictive dynamic (drinking, gambling, sexing, spending, working, hoarding, etc.) is simply a symptom. The amplified ability to indulge in pornography through increased availability that does not publicly expose such prurient predilections is a good part of what is driving the marked increase of this particular issue.

Pornography itself is about the objectification of women. In this context women are treated as things, receptacles and socially dissociated objects to be used and tossed aside. They are, in a word, not real. In fact, most men who indulge themselves in pornography would be appalled - despite the immediate response -- if their wife or girlfriend walked into the bedroom wearing fishnets, stilettos and a latex corset and wanted to get nasty.

Why? -- Because pornography is about emotional disconnection, not emotional connection - it fills a gap in emotional maturity and never the twain shall meet - at least not inside a healthy head. In fact, much of the American propensity to distort sexuality is informed by the core Puritanism that would reject pornographic bedroom behavior in real life.

So, we have emotional isolation, the expectation of socio-emotional disconnection in transgender relationship, the basic human need for love and affection, the basic human drive for sex and now we have an easy access venue that can substitute for the genuine experience of these things. This is an almost perfect set-up for acting out without addressing the underlying issue, which is social and emotional isolation.

The genesis of pornography addiction is driven by this emotional disconnection - plainly put, a pervasive and on-going feeling of loneliness. If a man matures in an environment in which he is emotionally isolated, especially from female affection, he will develop an expectation that this experience will be consistent.

There is no magic to this notion, and it is not something that is specific to pornography addiction. It is one version of the development of the memory maps that drive the assumptions, expectations and ideas about the way the world works through which we filter our lives. It is the failure of understanding how to relate emotionally that finds its expression here.

This sensibility of emotional isolation is carried forth, but the needs that remain unsatisfied demand an outlet. What better place to interact in a pseudo-emotional manner than with women who aren't real?

The interesting thing about pornography addiction is that it's backwards relative to other addictive behavior. Most addictions strive to blunt, distract, or self-medicate. Pornography addiction, despite the misplacement of its intention, is a distorted effort to fix the problem of emotional deficit and social isolation.

So, in treating pornography addiction, rather than stopping the behavior because the behavior is destructive, it is more important to redirect the needs driving the behavior into something more productive. This begins with teaching men how to access their emotions and express them in a way that is relevant to their lives and experience.

In the meantime, just like liquor stores and casinos, pornography will continue to be a part of our culture. And, just like drinking and gambling, it becomes a question of our personal ethos whether we will choose to exploit ourselves through our own inauthenticity or look inside to develop a more whole version of ourselves informed by healing, rather than social distortion.

© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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