In my last post I discussed the first two engines of emotional pollution: contagion and attunement. The second pair are negative bias and reactivity.
Negative Bias
To the great misfortune of human relationships, our emotions are negatively biased. Probably because negative emotions are more important for immediate survival - giving us the instant capability to avoid snakes in the grass and fend off saber tooth tigers - they gained priority processing in the primitive brain and continue to have great influence in modern times. So if you come home from work in a fairly good mood and find that your spouse is brooding or upset, attunement will bring him or her up a little and you down a lot. To keep from being "brought down" by the other's negative mood, many couples attempt to dull their sensitivity to the other's emotional world. This puts them squarely on the road to divorce, as it stenches the lifeblood of relationships -- compassion and appreciation -- both of which require openness to attunement.
Reactivity
You can think of emotional reactivity as a learned resistance to the unconscious pull of contagion and attunement. It can be obvious resistance, as in, "I'm not putting up with your attitude!" Or it can be passive resistance, as in trying to ignore you spouse's bad mood.
Of course, most of the time we don't want to resist contagion or attunement, because it helps us stay on the same page on a routine basis. Sporting events would be a lot less fun, if they existed at all, without the contagion of excitement. And while falling in love, the mere presence of your beloved fills you with fascination and joy. You thrill at the smile of your infant and revel in the excitement of a new friend. But as a function of attunement, reactivity also has a negative bias -- that which once thrilled you can eventually start to "push your buttons." Many of my clients who once loved it that their spouses greeted them at the door when they came home now resent them for "monitoring every time I walk in the door." She used to love his sense of humor, now she thinks he's sarcastic. He used to appreciate how she put him in touch with his feelings, now she's too emotional. These common relationship problems are reactivity confounding the natural process of attunement.
The aspect of reactivity that makes it difficult to see, let alone change, is its illusion of free will and ego independence, even "authenticity." You think that you are acting of your own volition and in your best interest, when you are merely reacting to someone else. We've all uttered (or at least thought) the most ironic of all statements, "You're not going to bring me down!" As long as you're in this reactive mode, you are down - reacting to negativity with negativity.
Trying to cope with emotional pollution on automatic pilot invariably increases reactivity and leads to the number one addiction of modern life: reactaholism. The reactaholic needs to react to others to know how he feels and what he thinks. You're probably a reactoholic if you feel that other people push your buttons. This unfortunate belief allows other people to live in your head and control your emotions. You become more reactive than proactive, more impulsive and less considered in your actions.
A quick test to see if you're a reactaholic is to notice how you approach a meeting. The reactaholic doesn't know what to do until someone gives him something to which he can react in a definite (usually ego-saving) way. Reactaholics need the low-grade arousal of reactivity to dispel self-doubt or to feel confident enough to form a decisive opinion.
Controlling people i.e., those who try to control others, are prime examples of reactaholics, although they don't seem to be. To lessen their anxiety about getting their buttons pushed, reactaholics try hard to control the behavior of others. My client, Shawna, like the vast majority of controlling people I have counseled, constantly told her beleaguered husband what to do. She had to; from her perspective it felt as if his behavior entirely controlled her emotions. If he would do something as trivial as absent-mindedly leaving his towel on the bathroom floor, she would feel overwhelmed with resentment and anger. "I get tense walking down the hall, because I know when I get to the bathroom, I'll see that he's left the toilet seat up again," she told me.
When Shawna considered making plans, she inevitably thought of how her husband might refuse to cooperate. To avoid such unpleasant thoughts, she stopped thinking about the future altogether, as reactaholics often do. This habitual avoidance of goal-setting is one reason that reactaholics never reach their full potential in life. Instead of planning how to achieve their goals, they simply avoid people and situations that push their buttons. Because so many people and situations have the power to do so, they never know how they will feel from one moment to the next. They can scarcely develop a consistent sense of self, for they will be different with each person who "makes" them react differently. If I'm one person with you and another with him and yet another with her, I won't know who the hell I am.
Reactaholism is the number one addiction because most of the others are vein attempts to numb the frustrating powerlessness of reactaholism.
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