Here's the good news. Most of the negative emotions in your relationship are not due to your partner's personality, selfishness, ill-will, bad choices, or poor communication skills. They come from your reactions to emotional pollution.

That's why most of the advice you get from self-help books about expressing your feelings and talking things through with your partner don't often help and sometimes make things worse. Chances are whatever you are talking about is not the true source of the negative emotion that hurts you.

Here's a way to test this assertion for yourself. Think of the last three times you've experienced negative emotions that you blamed on your partner. List them in order and then write down the answers to the following questions for each incident you list.
1. What were you doing or experiencing immediately before that negative emotion?
2. How did you feel when you woke up on the morning of the incident you described?
3. Did any other negative events happen that day, before the incident you described?
4. Had you been feeling connected to your partner before the event that triggered the negative emotion?
5. What was your partner doing/experiencing immediately before your negative emotion?
6. How did he/she feel first thing in the morning?
7. Did any other negative events happen on that day, before the incident you described?
8. Had your partner been feeling connected to you before the event that triggered the negative emotion?

We asked these questions of over 400 couples. More than 70% reported that that the negative emotion attributed to the spouse was preceded by a string of negative events. Almost in no case did the couple feel connected before the negative incident described. Of course, no couple is likely to connect by blaming negative emotions on each other. Couples should not see the negative effects of emotional pollution as one party doing it to the other. Rather, it is something happening to both of you. Self-compassion coupled with compassion for your partner will bring you together. Together, you can detoxify.

CompassionPower