Not too long ago, I read a letter in a newspaper that was written by a woman whose brother had divorced. She loved her sister-in-law and believed in her heart that the divorce was unnecessary, but failed to mention this to her brother for fear of interfering. As time passed, she missed her sister-in-law and saw that her brother's life wasn't exactly a bowl of cherries. She reflected on her passive response to her brother's announcement about his divorce and began to second-guess her reaction. "Should I have said something to him?" "Should I have insisted they get couple's therapy before going to an attorney?" In the end, she regretted her decision to say nothing. And quite honestly, I understand why. Her dilemma reminded me of a keynote address I did several years ago entitled, Guerrilla Divorce Busting.
If you haven't read any of my blogs or books, let me, in twenty-five words or less, bring you up to speed and explain what I mean about Guerrilla Divorce Busting. I wrote a book in the early nineties that questioned the sanity of several decades of rampant divorce and disposal marriages. I told readers about my conviction that most marital problems are solvable, and divorces unnecessary. The audience for this particular keynote was marriage therapists, marriage educators, clergy, military personnel and politicians. But instead of addressing professional concerns, I asked the audience to check their careers at the door; I wanted to talk to them as people. I was determined to remind them of the powerful roles we all play, not as professionals- but when someone in our family or social circle confesses that his or her marriage is over. I urged people to recognize that people whose marriages falter are more likely to talk to them, their hair dressers, aerobic instructors, bartenders or family physicians than they are to seek professional advice. To reinforce my point, I read a letter I had just received from a woman who was having her nails done and overheard someone talking to her manicurist about her impending divorce. The manicurist told that woman about my book, Divorce Busting. Several weeks later when the woman who wrote the letter returned to the salon, she heard that the "near-divorcee" had purchased the book and ended up saving her marriage.
The letter provides pretty compelling evidence that everyone, regardless of what we do in life, has the opportunity to profoundly influence the lives of others. Off-handed comments made by strangers can change the course of a life. Measured advice offered to loved ones can turn a calamity into an opportunity for growth and happiness. Given what we know about the pitfalls of divorce and the inevitable ups and downs in marriage, when we're told of peoples' struggle to keep their love alive, rather than remain quiet, diagnose the absent spouse or offer exit strategies, we should put in our marriage-saving two cents. That's because, for marriages to survive the rough spots, sometimes, it takes a village.
So, what about you? What do you do when faced with a person in throes of marital strife? Do you, on the basis of hearing a one-sided story, offer your condolences and the name of a good divorce attorney? Or, on the other hand, are you a Guerrilla Divorce Buster? Do you suggest the importance of trying to work things out and offer some ideas about marriage-strengthening resources? Considering the high rate of divorce and the havoc it leaves in its wake, it's important to remember what Eldridge Cleaver said in the late sixties, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."
