As this post is the first of many to this blog some statement of purpose seems in order. My posts to this blog are intended to educate as many people as I can about the American way of divorce. It is not my purpose to analyze why people get divorced although some of that discussion will inevitably occur. Nor is my purpose to reduce the incidence of divorce. I am not about saving marriages in this blog. Rather, I seek, in my mediation practice, in the books and articles I have written and in this blog to critique the way people get divorced using conventional divorce lawyers and heavy reliance on the courts. It has long been my mission to convince people that the way most people get divorced is unnecessarily painful, hurtful and emotionally and financially wasteful. Further, though it supports the multi-billion dollar divorce industry, conventional divorce serves families poorly and makes it more difficult for family members to adjust and get on with their lives. So early on I shall try to show how most divorces are acted out according to an expensive choreography based on a series of myths propagated and maintained by the practitioners in the divorce industry.

Before I go further in that analysis I should state some of the affirmative beliefs I have acquired in thirty years of practice. I believe that:

1. Most couples, that is, 80 to 90% are capable of achieving an amicable and fair divorce that optimizes the resources of the family.

2. There is an inverse relationship between the quality of the divorce and the amount of contact between the spouses and their lawyers and the spouses and the judicial system. The more contact with lawyers and judges the worse will be the divorce.

3. The more difficult the divorce the greater the probability that the subsequent marriages of the partners will also end in divorce.

4. The divorce lawyers with the biggest reputations are generally the worst divorce lawyers and you need to be either misguided, misinformed or a little nuts to hire one.

5. The destructive capacity of the contemporary divorce system is based on the ignorance of the public and the robustness of the myths supporting the system.

6. In most divorces couples retain a surprising amount of affection and goodwill despite their anger and it is possible to leverage that affection to obtain a "good" divorce if they can avoid the polarization that begins as soon as lawyers take over their cases and their lives.

7. There is such a thing as a good divorce. It is characterized by a mutual sense that the settlement is fair, an ongoing ability of the partners to wish each other well, the development of constructive and collegial communication around the children, reasonable economic parity between two households and a continuing ability to resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise as families adjust to new lives. Good divorce is available to the great majority of divorcing couples.

A Little About Me.
I became a lawyer in 1978 after an eight year career as a professor. After passing the bar I set up a practice in general civil law and became heavily involved in litigation. As divorce is the bread and butter of many solo law practices I was quickly involved in numerous divorces. Although I was good at it I was quickly appalled by what I saw as unnecessary emotional carnage that was accepted by the profession as the natural state of divorce. In 1978 the divorce mediation was beginning to stir and I became involved with a small group of lawyers and therapists from around the country to look for ways to reduce the damage caused by modern divorce. Out of those discussions a movement now numbering in the thousands of practitioners developed.

Divorce Mediation

The object of the early pioneers was to develop a way for people to settle their divorces quickly and at reasonable cost by avoiding the wasteful processes of litigation. A prevailing myth in American divorce is that divorces end in trials in which judges decide who gets the kids, money and property. But the truth is that about 99% of all divorces are settled by negotiation sometime before the trial. All too often the settlement does not occur until two lawyers have "developed" the case for trial, cost a lot of money and completely polarized the couple. And although the case is "settled" the couples relationship is often poisoned by the legal maneuvering of the lawyers and about half of these cases end up back in court within two years fighting about kids and support.

The remedy was divorce mediation. Mediation works on the premise that because the couple is going to settle anyhow why not facilitate that settlement in the beginning rather that put them through years of preparation for a trial that will not happen. So in mediation a skilled mediator works directly with the couple to make it possible for them to have discussions that they otherwise would be unable to have. These discussions lead to resolution of parenting and custody issues, support issues such as alimony and child support and the division of marital property. When mediation succeeds the issues are resolved typically within a few months and at a cost of a few thousand dollars rather than the five and six figure law fees that are prevalent in conventional divorce. Mediation tends to produce lasting agreements with less than five percent of couples going back to court to continue the conflict.

In future posts I will explore in greater depth how people are led into bad divorces and talk about ways to avoid those mistakes. We will discuss the psychology of divorce as well as the laws and practice norms of the legal culture. Those who wish to read more may want to read either of my first two books. GETTING DIVORCED WITHOUT RUINING YOUR LIFE was first published by Simon and Schuster in 1991, was revised in 2001 and is still selling well. It was the first book on "good divorce" and is still helping thousands of divorcing people. In 2004 I published a book for men called A MAN'S GUIDE TO A CIVILIZED DIVORCE: How to Divorce With Grace, a Little Class, and a Lot of Common Sense. The publisher is Rodale. Either of these books will provide a comprehensive guide to a decent divborce.