Previously, we considered the notion of the deep structures of relationship. We also pointed out that these deep structures are supported and informed by seven core elements: the social, the physical, the intellectual, the emotional, the spiritual, the sexual and the material. These core elements are deeply nuanced and engender a great many subtlties. For that reason, we will consider them from a broad perspective.

The key to all of these elements and their relationship to one another is balance. Balance within the elements, and balance amongst the elements.

In my experience, it is when one or more of these core aspects of relationship is being neglected that difficulties arise and resentments develop. Seeking out the imbalance and addressing it goes a long way toward repairing, retooling and reinventing a faltering relationship.

The social aspect of relationship refers to how we relate to our personal community, and how that relationship reflects upon, and is a reflection of, our intimate relationships.

A wage earning biker and an Upper East Side banker with a trust fund are probably not going to find themselves in a relationship. Not because that relationship isn't possible or wouldn't work, but, quite simply, because they typically don't travel in the same social circles. And, if that relationship were to develop, one of the greatest obstacles the relationship would face is that one or both partners would have to greatly divest themselves of their social identity. This is a possibility, but unlikely to occur.

The physical aspect of relationship is in some ways a subset of the social aspect.

Couples need not share every activity, nor do those activities even have to be physical in nature. Oftentimes, the physical aspect of relationship is a more about proximity and togetherness, rather than doing something. And that doing something can be as simple as sitting on a couch and reading, or working in the garden. It doesn't necessarily mean mountain biking, rock climbing or traveling to exotic locales.

The intellectual aspect of relationship refers not only to native intelligence, but intelligences, as well as schooling and the more esoteric applications of the mind. That includes things like the values, morality, ethics and social perspective.

On the surface, that statement sounds elitist - especially the part about schooling. What it intends, however, is that there be an intellectual common ground -- once again, a balance - that leads to mutual respect. If you think your partner is dumb, or your partner feels you believe yourself to be intellectually superior or vice-versa, you've got built-in conflict.

When we talk about intelligences, we are referring to Howard Gardner's work on multiple intelligences. We aren't just smart we are smart in particular ways. We may possess musical intelligence, or kinesthetic intelligence, or linguistic intelligence and those things need to be recognized and respected as part of a person's intellectual landscape. It is not just about where -- or even if -- they went to school, but how they apply themselves intellectually and our response to that.

The emotional aspect of relationship refers to the manner in which emotions and feelings are given and received.

In every relationship there is a minimizer and a maximizer --- the minimizer tends to be more contained, while the maximizer tends to be more effusive. Striking a balance between these two styles, no matter where on the range of minimizing and maximizing they are, is important so that the partners in a relationship feel confident that their emotional needs are being met.

A minimizer who listens is going to be received as a more emotionally engaged by his or her partner than a minimizer who is disconnected or unaffected. By the same token, a maximizer who allows space for his or her partners' emotional life and doesn't "fill the room", so to speak, will also be perceived as being supportive, rather than monopolizing the emotional energy of the relationship.

Spirituality is a bit more tricky and demands that we separate the notion of spirituality from that of religion.

Religion falls more in the category of the intellectual elements, in that it is acculturated and socialized. Spirituality is more about how an individual relates to their personal experience of God, and what that looks like for each partner within the relationship. In my experience, successful couples share, or a least hold space for, each other's spiritual experience, even if that experience is atheistic.

That doesn't mean that a woman who is a Wiccan high priestess needs her partner to be the priest in her coven, nor does it mean that a Yoga teacher needs to his partner to also practice Yoga and follow that particular set of tenants and values, or that everyone needs to attend Church together on Sunday or Temple on Friday. What it means is that there is a certain degree of acceptance and accommodation for each partner in their spiritual experience to the point of actually sharing that experience as an experience, not necessarily as an activity.

Sexuality is not just about sex; it is about compatibility on a number of levels associated with the other elements of successful relationship.

One of my favorite little mantras is telling men to remember that foreplay starts at 7:30 in the morning, not at 11:15 when Sports Center is over. Bringing her a cup of coffee while she is drying her hair in the morning goes a lot farther than, "OK, babe, Sox won, let's go!"

One of the great disconnects that I often see with couples' sexual life is in terms of timing, which points to understanding a partners needs. There must be some sensibility around this, and an understanding of how each partner can accommodate that for the other. People have different rhythms for everything, including sex. Morning, noon, night - it makes a difference as to how intimacy is both given and received.

In this busy world in which we live, it sounds odd, but sometimes we need to make dates for sex. It is my considered opinion that one of the reasons couples don't engage in sexual activity as much as they would like, which then becomes a problem, is that we don't make time for it.

And sex is not about just intercourse, it's about cuddling, and kissing and just holding hands -- it is about physical connection. Coming to this understanding and finding balance for that within the context of the relationship is extremely important for creating a healthy and consistent sexual element within that relationship.

The material aspect of relationship is also very important. Yes, that sounds odd coming from a dirt-loving-tree-hugging-granola-head, but I also don't live in a cave. What it speaks to is values and, in many ways, the personal experience of social position.

I am particularly fond of saying that the three things that will screw up any relationship are money, sex, and kids. The money aspect really speaks to the material aspect.

I work in a part of the country which is rife with what are known as "Wall Street Widows". Sometimes, there is a tacit agreement that hubby does in fact need to work 14 hour days, six days a week and be married to his Crackberry in order to maintain the big white house in the country, the apartment in the City, the house in the Hamptons and the three car lifestyle.

More often than not, however, this set-up is an eventuality and not something that was agreed upon. The result is that it builds resentment straight into the relationship because, although the material benefits are there, the social, emotional, sexual and other elements suffer as a result. And the resentment around that can go both ways.

What becomes important within this particular aspect of relationship is coming to mutual understanding of what material success looks like for each partner, and if those needs can be met in a way that benefits both partners, as well as the relationship.

There is a great deal of collaboration and mutual support that goes along with this. Is the extra three dollars an hour that someone is going to make by taking a second shift supervisory position as important as two people maintaining the same schedule? Do we in fact need the newest, shiniest, coolest new electronic gadget, or is what we have satisfactory? I can't tell you the number of women with whom I speak whose greatest complaint is the size of the television screen.

Finding balance within and among these elements informs, supports and serves to maintain, and in some cases transform, the deep structures of relationship. With a conscious commitment to shepherding and shaping these elements as a relationship evolves, the success of that relationship over time becomes more of an expected eventuality than just a possibility.