At whatever chronological point a man decides to examine his life and for whatever reason, he exposes the unresolved emotional wounds that brought him to the place that he is now. Because he does not have the tools to cope with those wounds in the moment, he backtracks emotionally to try to fix the past. Men choose affairs for reasons that are rather opaque and, for that reason, both appear and are somewhat irrational. Women, in their choice of affairs, seem more to be trying to fill a space or complete a picture, while men are driven to make choices for reasons even they themselves can't get their mind around.
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Comments
That big chair may have you
Submitted by Anonymous on July 16, 2008 - 10:57am.
That big chair may have you sitting too high. As a man, we are biologically wired to want more sex. For this reason, and this reason alone, most men have affairs. For a man to be in a relationship in the first place, there had to have been some connection beyond sheer lust that made the man want to committ. If a man does sleep with a woman outside of his relationship, she usually isn't the "type" of woman he would want to committ himself to anyway. It's usually an affair of convenience.
You contradict yourself when you say that women have affairs for social and emotional reasons, then go on to say that man have relationships to address emotional deficits. These two resons are more similar than different.
The truth is, women have affairs because they feel they may have made a mistake with their present choice and wonder if he is their "dreamboat" or "knight". Men like their present choice, but can never get enough of it. So, our testosterone does the talking for us. That's why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie; because who would want anyone else if you have Angelina Jolie? If a hypothetical wife had sex with her husband as often and intense as he would like, he would be a very happy man; too happy (or tired) to explore other avenues.
Also, men have little black books because we don't want to exert any more effort than we have to. Sociologically, this is different for a woman, because, traditionally, the man initiates the courtship process. It is much more difficult and requires much more courage (or balls) to meet someone new than it is to remind someone "old" of why they liked you (back when they did). If women had the responsibility of choosing their mate, and not just filtering through those who have chosen them, they would feel the true pressure of meeting someone new and facing rejection head on. With that paradigm shift, there would be alot more spinsters and wilting flowers reconnecting with that "certain college boyfriend" in hopes of capturing and solidifying those "future posibilities".
Opinions vary...
Submitted by Michael J. Formica on July 17, 2008 - 3:30pm.
I find it troubling, and frankly deeply unfortunate, that, in this day and age, a person could hold to such a narrow viewpoint. The statement "...women filter those who have chosen them..." sounds rather like something out of the 19th century, not 2008.
As for the contradiction that you allege -- there is no contradiction, but rather a misunderstanding on your part. Women choose affairs for social and emotional reasons...what they feel. Men choose affairs for reasons of abject failure in emotional development...what they don't know how to feel. These are two complete different things, and therefore cannot be contradictory.
Finally, to suggest that the only reason men have affairs is for reasons of sexual gratification is a gross generalization. A statement of such nihilistic biological determinism reduces us to nothing more than rutting beasts, which, although consistent with the chauvanistic statements about women and retro ideas about traditional courtship, is somewhat beyond the pale.
Given the generally contentious tone of your post, I will let the rest of your words speak for themselves.
Thanks for your input.
Blessings,
Michael
Opinions vary on the little black book and the big chair!
Submitted by Feebster on July 17, 2008 - 7:21am.
Amen, Michael, on ur response to this individual. I came here seeking insight to understanding some of my own issues and answering long unanswered questions about husbands leaving families and the wounds and scars they leave in that wake...the emotional effects on wives as well as children. I am the child of an abandoning father as well as an ex-wife of an abandoning husband and our daughters are seriously affected too. The abandonment issues continue to trickle down and healing seems illusive. Testosterone seems like more of an excuse than a reason. I never understood why my ex threw away our marriage in order to hook up, for a weekend, with an old high school flame. After reading ur article, it's much easier to have compassion for the man than to take personal offense. Thanks for the insighful perspective.
Thanks, Feebs...
Submitted by Michael J. Formica on July 17, 2008 - 3:31pm.
Feebster:
I am grateful that you might have found some solace or insight in these words. I hope that you can continue to heal through your current situation, and that you and your daughters may find some peace.
Blessings,
Michael
Yes, Thank You Michael!
Submitted by Rachel on July 17, 2008 - 3:51pm.
I also, am troubled by the indivdual's response who seems to think "the big chair may have you". Personally, I wonder if this individual needs an excuse for himself and his "raging testosterone", if you will. We are not slaves to our hormones. Whatever biological issues are going on, we still have to make a choice, and we can choose to act against our hormones/emotions/etc.
And one more thing, as a female I would like to state that I do have the responsibility of choosing my mate. As Michael said, it's 2008, and I refuse to wait around and sort through my "options."
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little black dress
Interesting article Michael.