Psychology Today Blogs - Enlightened Living

Social Intelligence, Authentic Relationship and Conscious Communication

Michael J. Formica — Fri, 16 May 2008 03:10:08 -0700

At the heart of the transition from the ego-centric to the world-centric lies one of the great secrets and mysteries of life --- "it's not all about you" (see The Myth of Managing Emotions). When we began to recognize that our social relationships do not revolve strictly around us, but are interpersonal, interactive and transactional, we begin to develop a deeper social intelligence and, from there, have the opportunity to develop the skill of holding space. Holding space means taking into account another person's vulnerabilities, tendencies, and positionality, and learning to respond to that, rather than react.

This notion is best explained with an example. Let's say you have a friend with whom you really want to spend time. Whenever you say that to friend, "Let's have lunch.", the friend says, "Sure, that sounds great!" -- then nothing comes of it.

You can take this in two directions. First, you can take it personally; you can see it as a rejection, you can start to question your own value, you can start to question your relationship with this person, you can start to feel sorry for yourself, your sense of inferiority or unworthiness begins to generalize to all of your relationships, your work, your cat... -- pity party!

Holding space for the individual in this example means recognizing and acknowledging his/her unreliability and lack of follow through as an element of personal and social style, then shaping our expectations about what this person is willing or able to do within the context of his/her relationship to us. In doing so, we are not disappointed, because we have allowed ourselves the space to recognize that this individual's behavior - lack of follow through, unreliability -- is simply consistent, and it has nothing to do with us.

Holding space in this manner allows us to take the emotional charge out of a situation. We are the ones who introduce the charge in the first place, anyway, and we do this through our own ego-centricity.

If we release the sensibility that we are the center of every one of our social relationships and recognize that relationships are transactional, then we are, again, able to hold space for another person's behavior. In doing this, we can then decide whether or not that behavior is acceptable or unacceptable to us. And, in making that determination, we establish a staging point for a dialogue that can only lead to more authentic relationship.

So, "I'm really pissed at you for blowing me off again." becomes, "You know, whenever we make plans to go out, you seem to forget about it, and that bothers me." or (internal dialogue) "I'm just going to quit suggesting we go out, and minimize my own aggravation!"

In either case, holding space is a social strategy that is useful in all of our relationships because it does two things; first, it encourages us to make realistic assessments of our relationships and the expectations that we can attach to those relationships, and secondly, it gives us the opportunity to respond, rather than react, all in all creating a much more pleasant and authentic stage for social interaction.

Stages of Development and the Development of Social Intelligence

Michael J. Formica — Thu, 15 May 2008 04:34:44 -0700

When we talk about human development, we can consider it as occurring in three phases. The first phase is pre-centric, the second is ego-centric and the third phase is a world-centric. This is also sometimes referred to as prepersonal, personal and transpersonal.

The pre-centric phase is basically defined by the period beginning in utero through about the age of four or five, until which time a clearly differentiated sense of self has not yet developed. The ego-centric phase occurs from this point of differentiation, or individuation as Jung called it, forward through the lifespan. The world-centric view is a bit more elusive, developing as an individual begins to recognize that there is something larger -- a greater good, a bigger picture, etc.

In early development, the ego-centric phase waxes and wanes. From the point of individuation until about the beginning of the "tweens" there is a waxing or intensifying of "Me-ness" in a child. During the "tweens" stage of development -- when social connection becomes a priority -- the focus on ‘self' and ‘I' tends to wane to a certain degree. This ego-centricness once again intensifies through the period of adolescence; adolescence is typically defined as the teen years through the early 20s. Ego-centricity is particularly intense during the teen years, as anyone who has experienced the abject narcissism of a teenager is well aware.

A transition to a more world-centric view occurs when an individual's relationship to the world is no longer centered upon themselves. S/he begins to recognize that s/he plays a relative part in the world at large. Sadly, this does not always happen, and, because it does not always happen, there is a tendency for the ego-centric phase to be dominant throughout the lifespan.

That said, all of us do in some way or another experience some sense of the world-centric view, whether we choose to act upon it is a different matter. Recognizing, acknowledging and acting upon this world-centric or transpersonal awareness in a positive and progressive manner is at the core of social intelligence.

I Am One, You Are One, We Are Altogether One...

Michael J. Formica — Tue, 13 May 2008 12:30:58 -0700

"Split a piece of wood, you will find me. Turn over a rock, and I will be there."

This quote, taken from the Gospel of Thomas, epitomizes Spirit in its suggestion that God is everywhere. The point that Jesus of Nazareth was making with this statement was that he, much like Gautama Buddha and other avatars that came before and after him, had come to a personal identification with God, recognizing that God was within him, God was him and he was God.

These days, statements like that would probably get you locked up in a psych ward. But in truth, this experience is at the core of enlightenment, rapture, satori, samadhi and epiphany.

For more than 4000 years scholars, theologians and philosophers have sought to answer the question, "What is the True Name of God?" Gaia, Brahma, Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Tao, The Great Spirit, the Universal Oneness -- and their avatars Jesus Christ, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Shiva, and Mohammed -- all point us in the same direction. The answer, of course, is ME! -- as in you; God, by whatever name S/he is called, is within all of us.

So, tomorrow morning when you're shaving or putting on your makeup, take a moment to recognize that you are looking into the eyes of God. And, during the course of the day, when your boss gets on your nerves or your kids are making you crazy or someone cuts you off on the highway or the dog chews up your favorite slippers, take a breath and remember that God lives there, too.

I am One, you are One, we are all together One.

Namaste.

The Soul in Body-Mind-Soul-Spirit

Michael J. Formica — Mon, 12 May 2008 10:34:47 -0700

The body is strong, the mind clear and, if not one-pointed, moving toward a sense of focus. We enter now the realm of the soul. Wait! What happened to mind-body-spirit? How'd soul get in there?

Soul is our personal experience of spirituality and bridges that with our transpersonal experience of the Universal. Spirit is what we typically call G-d, and soul is the phenomenological means by which we get there. Personal spirituality is how we connect with the transpersonal, the sense of spirit that is "out there" (even though it is "in here").

Our connection to soul does not have to take on any particular form. Often we get caught up in the trappings of our birth religion, or discover a connection to a new vehicle of spirituality, such as Kabbala, Yoga, Christian mysticism, or Wicca. The form does not matter; it is more what moves us to make the connection at all.

For some of us, soul will be sinking our hands into the good dark earth of our garden. For others, it may be participating in the rituals of Tibetan Buddhism, Voodoo or Tantric Yoga.

You may have been raised on Catholic hymns and, while not moved by those, be moved by the kirtan of Hindu practice. You may have been raised Jewish, yet not connected to your birth religion until you discovered Kabbala. Or you may feel the connection right from the start.

The point is, just as with our choice of physical practice, our choice of soul practice should be driven by what we connect with on a primordial level.

The next element to consider in the fabric of our evolution and existence is spirit. This is something more ephemeral, and intangible, as it is the transpersonal aspect of who we are as a whole being. Because it is both inside of us and outside our "selves" (think about it), it is paradoxically a place that is parallel with body-mind-soul, and apart from it.

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A Letter to Readers: Thoughts, Ideas, Topics and Questions

Michael J. Formica — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:41:39 -0700

Dear Readers:

In broadcasting, this is called 'breaking the third wall' -- that is, talking to your audience directly.

Those of you who have been following this blog will have likely realized by now that, given a good topic, I can talk the paint off a wall. That said, I have plenty to say, but am interested in making this a forum that you, the reader, would find most useful.

So, while my list of potential topics is long, I'd like to hear from you, the reader, about topics in which you are interested. Whether it be spirituality, psychology, parenting, education, social skills, addictions or whatever, drop me a note...

The Mind in Body-Mind-Soul-Spirit

Michael J. Formica — Sat, 10 May 2008 05:24:37 -0700

Once we have satisfied the demands of the body principle, our task becomes a matter of ‘taming the wild horses of the mind'. This is really a call to mindfulness, which is what precedes the ability to meditate in a convincing fashion.

We have discussed mindfulness in this forum a few times (see On Being Present, Taking Out The Trash). Mindfulness boils down to being present and paying attention, not splitting our attention between different tasks or activities, but rather giving our entire attention to what is in front of us. Mindfulness is a springboard into meditation, and meditation, in turn, breeds mindfulness. Everything is a circle.

There are many different meditation traditions, from the austerity and ritual of Zen, to the practices of japa in the Hindu tradition and the rosary in Catholic tradition - both of which use beads and mantra as focal objects -- to the more ‘casual', if you will, Taoist practices that involve standing and lying, along with traditional sitting. What is most important is that choose a meditation practice that suits your personality and, as we discussed with physical culture, with which you connect on a primal level.

So, when are we concentrating, and when are we meditating? The Raja Yoga tradition teaches that until one can sit for 11 seconds without the mind wavering, one is only concentrating. Once that initial 11 seconds has been experienced, we build our practice 11 seconds at a time. Other traditions use other conventions, but all in all there is no magic to any of it - these are simply the ways and means by which to establish a consistent and fruitful practice of concentration and meditation.

Mind is also the place where our "me-ness" lives. We are, quite literally, our own creation, insofar as it is our ideas, expectation, and assumptions about the way the world works that defines both our reality and ourselves. It is moving past these old attachments and ways of thinking that bring us true freedom and lead to a connection with our divine and authentic nature. (If I sound like I'm repeating myself, I am - because there is a fundamental fabric to inner work that is quite consistent and integrated.)

Moving past old attachments is the "letting go" that we hear so much about. We are not letting go of ourselves, or our ego (you need the ego to let go of the ego!). We are letting go of our habits of mind -- the prison of our own device that keeps us stuck repeated the same patterns, and playing out the same dramas over and over again. Letting go means returning to our basic nature, and reveling in our basic goodness and the basic goodness of our world and our experience. Speaking in strictly psychological terms, meditation and mindfulness are means for us to break from our neurotic tendencies and engender true change through a return to our own authenticity.

The body is strong, the mind clear and, if not one-pointed, moving toward a sense of focus. We enter now the realm of the soul...

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The Body in Body-Mind-Soul-Spirit

Michael J. Formica — Fri, 09 May 2008 09:08:32 -0700

We strengthen the body to still the mind -- and we still the mind so as to free the spirit. The power of this intention is often lost in the pseudo-spiritual gesturing that has regrettably become the hallmark of ‘New Age' teaching. What it really boils down to is be the best you can be with the resources that you have available to you because what you have available to you heralds its own sort of perfection.

The body is the only house that we ever truly own, and, even then, it is something of a rental. It is vitally important that we care for this house in the same manner that we attend to the not-so-necessary "necessary objects" of our daily lives. Rather than letting the body sit around and get flabby, fill it with poisons or drive it mercilessly away from rest, taking the time to invest in this fragile vessel provides us with a tangible vehicle to do the work of mind, soul and spirit.

Investing in ourselves means investing in a lifestyle, and developing a personal culture that thrives on holistic health and wellness. That investment will look different for each of us, and the degree of diversification in that investment will depend on the resources, in this case physical resources, that we can muster.

Some of us may lift weights, while others jog or row. Some practice Yoga, Tai Chi or the martial arts. We may swim, walk or climb mountains. The point is that we do something, and we do a something with which we connect on a very primal level.

Attention to the physical component of the "body-mind-soul-spirit" continuum is essential for wholistic human development and the realization of our potential. It is through this that we build a bridge from our exterior world of experience into our interior life and landscape.

Each of us has a complex of dormant archetypes or templates that have the potential, when activated, to inform who we are and how we operate in the world. It is in choosing this path of personal culture that we can activate the Warrior archetype. Without activating the Warrior through a physical practice of some sort, we will not develop the internal temerity to get things done. Just as the Alchemist is our creative and transformational template, the Lover our template for social interaction and the King/Queen the template for our divine nature, the Warrior is our doer. So, go do something.

Once we have satisfied the demands of the body principle, our task becomes a matter of ‘taming the wild horses of the mind', which we will consider next...

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The Only Constant is Change

Michael J. Formica — Thu, 08 May 2008 05:23:03 -0700

An American diplomat in Myanmar (formerly Burma) today reported that, in the wake of the recent cyclone, the death toll in that country is likely to reach 100,000. This estimate has been confirmed by both French and U.N. aid workers.

Change can happen in an instant. It is the only constant. Situations like that in Myanmar remind us of this on a grand scale, but it is because of this grand scale that the impact may be lost on us personally. Impermanence is something that we rarely think about; confronting impermanence is, in fact, something that we typically avoid. It is often only in the wake of some tragedy in our own lives that we are forced to confront it at all.

The Buddhist wisdom teachings talk about "little deaths", suggesting that every experience of change that we have is a reflection of the greatest of all impermanences - death. As we typically neither confront impermanence, nor the grief with which it is associated, when we do experience one of the more sweeping changes in life -- death, divorce, marriage, moving, losing a job -- it can be quite overwhelming.

Everything in nature occurs in cycles, including human experience. If we bring this notion to bear, we begin to see that change is not only necessary, but inevitable. With this in hand, we can then develop a sense of equanimity and balance -- first in our daily lives, then within the scope of our larger experience. This can take the charge, or more pointedly the fear, out of our lives, without devoiding us of our emotional experience. This, then, brings greater authenticity to that emotional experience because we are able to respond to what is happening around us without being a slave to the noise of our internal dialogue.

By choosing to regard human experience as a matter of course, rather than a collection of individual linear events that we label as ‘good' or ‘bad', we actually end up magnifying our own humanity and increasing our connection to ourselves, our loved ones, and our world. We get to feel our feeling, instead of just freaking out.

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The Overdiagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder

Michael J. Formica — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:03:58 -0700

National Public Radio aired a segment on its May 6th 2008 broadcast of All Things Considered reporting that a major talking point at the American Psychiatric Association's 2008 National conference, going on now in Washington DC, is the over-diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD). A study conducted at the University of Rhode Island found that over half of some 700 patients whose diagnostic profiles were reviewed were wrongly assigned the diagnosis, a situation that is of great concern to the psychiatric community.

Mark Zimmerman, of the Rhode Island Hospital and Brown University, has been studying the way that Bi-polar Disorder is diagnosed for more than a decade. He states that until about 6 years ago the disorder was typically under-diagnosed, when he began to see a reversal in diagnostic trends. He undertook to look at 145 patients who volunteered to have their diagnosis reviewed and found that, while many showed signs and symptoms that placed them on the depression spectrum, more than half did not meet the criteria for Bi-polar, despite that diagnosis.

One key piece of information was the detailed family history that Zimmerman and his team compiled for these patients. Typically, a person with Bi-polar Disorder evidences a family history of the same. In the case of the patients reviewed, this qualifier did not stand up to scrutiny, with none of the subjects in the study showing a family history of the disorder. Zimmerman will present his findings in a May 7, 2008 Scientific Forum discussion.

Gary Sachs, of Harvard, is also presenting on this topic. He points out that one of the major influences on the change in diagnostic trends may be the educational sessions that doctors are attending, which are sponsored by drug manufacturers. These sessions often contain consistent admonitions not to "miss the diagnosis", as well as emphasizing the propensity for under-diagnosis of certain disorders.

Sachs also points out that the diagnostic reviews done in an academic setting are far more involved than those undertaken in general clinical practice. Where the academic reviews are quite detailed, clinical diagnosis tends more to take on the form of generalized conversation and a more superficial history, which can lead to snap judgements. Although this can contribute to inconsistencies, Sachs says it is no excuse for sloppy diagnosis, as the tools for determining whether a patient meets the criteria for Bi-Polar Disorder have been in place for more than 30 years.

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The Myth of Managing Emotions

Michael J. Formica — Mon, 05 May 2008 08:42:20 -0700

One of the great secrets of life is that ‘it's not all about you.' When we interact with others, we tend to see ourselves as the cause of their reactions and emotions. The folly of this perspective is that, in truth, we are responsible only for ourselves, and our own feelings. We are not responsible for the feelings of others (although we are responsible to them), and we cannot, nor do we, cause those feelings to emerge. Unless we do something intentionally hurtful to another person, the feelings that they experience are those that they have created for themselves. Similarly, others do not cause the emergence of our own feelings.

Failing to recognize this balance of responsibility within our relationships can get us into the dance of managing others emotions. When we do this, we immediately introduce inauthenticity into those relationships. As soon as we begin to anticipate another's reaction, and shape our behavior to meet our expectation of their reaction, we engender a subtle deceit. Firstly, we deceive ourselves into believing that we are somehow helping the situation, and, secondly, we deceive the other into believing that things are different, sometimes vastly different, than they actually are. This dynamic is at the core of both codependence and counter-dependence, and it can be destructive for a number of reasons.

Attempting to manage the emotions of others engenders our relationships with a complex dynamic of power and control. In proposing to anticipate another person's thoughts and feelings we are effectively proposing to think for them. And, in anticipating another while imposing our perceptions upon them, we rob the other of their power within the relationship. As we too are not being authentic, we are also giving away our own power. Within this recursive system, we are giving away our power by trying to exert control; while the other is exercising a subtle and unwitting control by virtue of the power they gain through our attempting to anticipate their thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Rather than the participants interacting in the relationship, the relationship is running them. And the paradoxical outcome is that the relationship itself becomes inauthentic and invalid because the interaction upon which it is based is false. Within this circumstance, rather than having created an authentic, productive, and progressive relationship, we have created a system of devaluation. First, we are devaluing the relationship because we are not giving it the respect of a living, breathing entity compelled by the input of the persons involved in that relationship. Secondly, we are devaluing ourselves because we are not being authentic by virtue of our efforts to manage and control the other person's emotions. And finally we are devaluing the other person by operating with the expectation that they cannot think for themselves.

This post was excerpted from the forthcoming book, A Fish Doesn't Know That He's Wet. Reproduction and/or distribution of this text by any means, conventional or electronic, without the express consent of the author is strictly forbidden.

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