Hard Times for Modern Lovers

You can't be happy, while your heart’s on the roam, you can't be happy until you bring it home (The Brothers Four).

Modern times are difficult for lovers—perhaps more so than in most previous eras. Two major reasons for this: there are hardly any constraints preventing leaving the current romantic framework and there are many tempting accessible alternatives to the current romantic relationship. Accordingly, romantic bonds tend to be frailer and briefer than in the past.

Through much of human history, people hardly had an alternative and had to get used to their unsatisfactory romantic situation within the family. When no alternative is available, the current situation is accepted and its value is likely to increase. When many alternatives are available, settling for one's lot is extremely difficult. It is so hard now for those with no love to be happy with their lot. As Iris, a divorcee, says (in an interview cited in the book, In the Name of Love) "I know that after my divorce, while being with my lover of 7 years, I never had a moment where I desired to stray in my fantasies or with my body; my fantasies and actions were always with him. It took no learning or will-power; I only desired him. However, I was not virtuous in my marriage—because I desired to be, and indeed was, with others."

Nowadays, when there is greater freedom of choice, choosing the beloved has become not just a one-off choice, but rather an ongoing experience. Lovers do not simply choose a beloved and then rest passively for the rest of their lives; they are in a fluid state, which requires constant effort and deliberations. The hard times that modern lovers face consist not only of constant doubts about which road to take, but also of constant regret of the many roads not taken. The abundance of alternatives and the perpetual possibility of getting something "better" undermine commitment. The gap between the present and the potentially possible can never be bridged, although it seems to be so easy to do so. In this manner, the realm of infinite possibilities becomes a tyrannical force, keeping one from enjoying the present.

When the brave modern lovers go on the road and try to make the tempting alternative real, the probability that they will eventually be disappointed is not very high, since the alternative may not be essentially different from what one already had at home. The constant search for change often prevents people from nurturing love.

However, in some other cases, the fluidity of love enables people to fall in love for the first time in their life at any age. As Grace, a married woman, describes her attitude toward her married lover, "I was never mentally in the arms of anyone, as I felt so uncomfortable there; only now with him, I can feel what true love is. Nothing in this universe has ever touched and will ever touch me as deeply as his words, caresses, and love."

One factor that increases the likelihood of finding genuine love is that you have today more time to search it, as the romantic realm of people lasts longer. Compared with the past, people today live longer and have a greater capacity to materialize their romantic dreams at an older age. The invention of Viagra enables men to extend the period of their lives when they are sexually active and it has been claimed that older women reach orgasm more often than do younger ones. The introduction of the Internet enables young people to be aware and involved from a much younger age in the romantic realm. All of this encourages the search for love and casts doubt on the importance of rigid exclusivity.

Many modern lovers have then the cruel choice of staying within their loveless relationships or searching, often in vain, for the dim possibility of finding a long-term romantic paradise. Nevertheless, people may take their romantic relationships seriously and even hope for their eternal existence, but they should also be aware that the relationships will probably be much shorter.