And I looked and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. (Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita)

In previous posts I criticized Romantic Ideology as being uncompromising and as sharing some responsibility for the current romantic crisis in modern society. In the book, In the Name of Love, I present an alternative approach to romantic love: The Nurturing Approach. At the basis of this approach is the conviction that satisfied people, who are able to further develop and flourish within a romantic relationship, are those who are most likely to stay in love. Although romantic love has to do with giving to others, such giving can be done best by a person who is growing and flourishing within this relationship. The shift in emphasis from the other to the self is crucial for the longevity of a romantic relationship as it enables the lover to flourish; this puts her in a position in which she can be more giving and more tolerant toward the beloved.

Paying attention to our own personal needs does not mean loving ourselves above all else; our love for others is in no way diminished, and is probably increased, by our interest in our own activities and our desire to adequately fulfill all our commitments.

In presenting the Nurturing Approach, the following distinctions are made (to be further explained in next posts):
• Self-validated versus other-validated model of romantic relationship-the other-validated model is based on the anticipation of one's partner's acceptance, while the self-validating model relies on one maintaining one's own autonomy and self-worth. While romantic love involves both types of attitudes, the self-validated model is by far more significant.
• Intrinsically versus extrinsically valuable activities: An extrinsically valuable activity is a means to an external goal and its value lies in achieving that goal, whereas in an intrinsically valuable activity, our interest is focused upon the activity itself, not its results. While romantic love involves both types of activities, intrinsically valuable activities are of much greater significance.
• Promoting versus preventing behavior: Promoting behavior is behavior that focuses on nurturing, whereas preventing behavior is behavior that focuses on controlling. While romantic love involves both types of behavior, promoting behavior is of much greater significance.
• Uniqueness versus exclusivity: Exclusiveness is characterized in negative terms that establish rigid boundaries, whereas uniqueness is characterized in positive terms that celebrate an ideal. While romantic love involves both features, uniqueness is of much greater significance.
• Functional harmony versus mechanical fusion: The closeness between lovers does not depend upon a mechanical amalgamation that involves the loss of each person's personal identity, but rather it arises from the experience of growing and developing together. The connection in genuine romantic love is that of as a functional harmony.

The Nurturing Approach holds different assumptions to those implicit in Romantic Ideology. Whereas Romantic Ideology claims that love gives our life meaning, the Nurturing Approach claims that life and love give meaning to each other. Instead of assuming that love can overcome all obstacles, it is assumed that love can overcome some obstacles in life and that a certain kind of life can overcome some obstacles in love. Instead of arguing that the two lovers are fused into a self-enclosed, exclusive entity, the claim is that the two lovers form a functional harmony. Romantic Ideology considers the beloved to be exclusive and irreplaceable, whereas in the Nurturing Approach the beloved is held to be unique and may be replaceable. Unlike Romantic Ideology's precept that love is always morally good, the Nurturing Approach holds that love may or may not be morally good.

In accordance with Hara Estroff Marano's criticism of the high cost of invasive parenting (A Nation of Wimps), the Nurturing Approach assumes that just as in education, in love too it is typically counterproductive to attempt to exercise control. As in education, also in love we are currently witnessing the emergence of a new model. The prevailing model of Romantic Ideology that provides a one-size-fits-all type of love is of limited use to most people. Love is not a one-off activity so that once you have entered its magic garden, you no longer have to be concerned with pursuing it any further; romantic love is rather an ongoing experience. Like information in the Google age, love is also more freely available and people can choose to seek it at any time. In such circumstances, nurturing our love, rather than controlling it, becomes a complex, but nevertheless rewarding task.

In modern society most of the penalties for dissolving a marriage have been removed and many of the incentives can be obtained in other social frameworks. The choice of staying within a marriage depends, therefore, more on the issue of whether it facilitates personal development and satisfaction, including that of love. If a person feels that her present marital relationship prevents her from developing personally or does not provide the depth of love that she seeks, there is little incentive for her to stay in the marriage. There are various ways of growing together-monogamy may be a prominent one, but it is not the only one.

At the heart of the Nurturing Approach is the assumption that we can achieve profound romantic love. When divorce was not a real option, and people had to remain in their given relationship, romantic love was not accessible to many people. Now that the external constraints on romantic changes are considerably reduced and positive alternatives are abundantly available, love is making an impressive comeback. Romantic love is all around and its mere existence enhances its presence. Love breeds love, and the sweet taste of love keeps inviting us back. Rosa, a divorcee, speaks about her online lover, whom she has never met: "He has awakened a longing in me. Until he came into my life, I had remained attached to the last man I was with, and I just hadn't strayed in six years! By knowing him and imagining him, I have opened myself to the possibility of being with someone else again, as he makes me horny so very often."

I do not argue that the Nurturing Approach is feasible or appropriate for everybody; there are many paths leading to romantic love, including that of Romantic Ideology. My claim is more modest-it is one way that seems to have a greater chance of survival at this time.