What Is Compassion and How Can It Improve My Life?

Beverly Engel, LMFT — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 08:18:11 -0700

The definition of compassion is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person or oneself. Often confused with empathy, compassion has the added element of having a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another. Empathy, as most people know, is the ability to put oneself in the other person's place. Although compassion and empathy are two separate things, having compassion for someone can lead to feeling empathy for another person.

Although the above is the accepted definition of compassion, I believe that having compassion for someone involves more than putting yourself in their place and genuinely wanting to understand or even help them. It involves beginning to have a totally different perspective when it comes to how you perceive others. For example, instead of assuming that the reason someone has done something that hurts you is because they are selfish or inconsiderate, assume instead that they had a good reason for doing it. This idea, based on Marshall Rosenberg's philosophy, can be difficult to buy into at first. But when you think about it, don't you usually have a good reason when you do something, even if what you did may seem inconsiderate to someone else? Let's say you are very worried about your child's health. You took her to the doctor and he decided to take tests in order to rule out a serious disease. Later that day you are walking down the street, preoccupied with your daughter and an acquaintance passes you and says hello. You say hello in return but because you are so deep in thought you don't stop to chat. Later on you hear the acquaintance felt insulted because you "snubbed" her. Even though it was not your intention to snub this person, and you had a very good reason for your behavior-the acquaintance assumed the worst. Unfortunately, this is what most of us do. We assume the worst. Learning to have more compassion involves making the radical shift to assume the best in others. If the acquaintance had assumed the best, she would have concluded that it wasn't personal-that you must have been preoccupied-and she would have been right!

To Forgive or Not Forgive--That is the question

Beverly Engel, LMFT — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:33:57 -0700

Many people believe that forgiveness is necessary if we are to put the past behind us and move on. Twelve-step programs teach the philosophy that we should forgive others because they, like us, were doing the best they could at the time. Many religions teach that forgiveness is the only fair and compassionate thing to do, since we have all sinned and we have all hurt others. Many psychotherapists also believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to heal. But as wise as spiritual leaders and therapists are concerning the importance of forgiveness, sometimes forgiveness is not possible. Unfortunately, we have not been given permission to choose not to forgive. It is my belief that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, and in some cases may not be the healthiest thing to do. This is especially true when forgiving is tantamount to giving permission to hurt you again.

Sometimes we need to hold onto the very thing that prevents us from forgiving in order to cope and survive--anger. Anger can be a powerful motivator, especially for those who have been victimized. Anger can help us rise above the victimization and to fight our way back from the most devastating of traumas. For example, research shows that female victims of rape who allowed themselves to express their rage about being raped were able to recover from the trauma much better than those who never got angry. It is often anger that motivates a victim to continue facing the pain.

In the case of child sexual abuse, it is often anger that helps victims feel separate from their abuser (victims of incest, in particular, often feel too enmeshed with their abuser) since anger separates us from others. Victims also need their anger in order to ward off feelings of shame and guilt (victims of all forms of abuse, especially sexual abuse, tend to blame themselves for their own victimization).

Hopefully, there will come a time when a victim no longer needs her anger. When this happens she or he will be more able to look at forgiveness as a viable option. But each person needs to come to this point on his or her own and not be pressured to forgive because it is the "politically correct" thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts and feelings on this sometimes touchy subject. Do you think it is always possible to forgive? Do you think it is necessary for healing? What is the offender never admits that he or she did anything wrong, do we still need to forgive?

Psychology Today Blogs - The Compassion Chronicles

What Is Compassion and How Can It Improve My Life?

To Forgive or Not Forgive--That is the question